All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
