Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
