Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
