I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
