im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
