btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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