Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
