yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
