if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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