There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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