im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
