that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize