oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
