Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
