How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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