remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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