just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
