Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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