Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
