my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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