last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Are my feet made of real feet?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
