I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
