I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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