i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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