I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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