I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
