not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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