Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
