At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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