I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
