He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
