your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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