I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
