Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
