I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
