I hope mine doesn't look like that
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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