Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Houston, we have a blender
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
