i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
