Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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