Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
