Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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