saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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