I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
