i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
