You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
