Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
