sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
This toilet bowl is my home.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
