i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
