I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
