This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
