I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
