Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
