I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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