Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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