this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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