Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You have to summon your inner elephant
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
