"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
