The maid of honor just puked.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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