i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
