He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
