Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
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i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
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So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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